Monday, 14 May 2012
Thursday, 8 December 2011
Cainer sez:
Here comes the annual Full Moon in your zodiac sign and, as you may already know, it is no ordinary Full Moon. In some parts of the world, it will be visible as an eclipse. That is ever so encouraging. It suggests a genuine new beginning. Admittedly, this may be preceded by an ending of some kind (new beginnings often are) but you are in no danger of losing anything that it would be better for you to keep. It is time to start thinking of yourself differently and to believe in your own power to create positive change.
I needed to read that. Even if it's bollocks, it's bollocks that lifted my spirits. I'm hanging by a thread here. As there are no problems, in fact things are all falling into place beautifully, I would like to just come on here and boast about that as if I felt fine, but it wouldn't be true. It's weepy, shaky-McFlaky times, jumping at the slightest noise, but keeping on, keeping on.
The packers will be here at eight tomorrow morning. Early night.
I meant to write some kind of reflection on my time in this house, but I can't. Maybe another day.
Laters x
Here comes the annual Full Moon in your zodiac sign and, as you may already know, it is no ordinary Full Moon. In some parts of the world, it will be visible as an eclipse. That is ever so encouraging. It suggests a genuine new beginning. Admittedly, this may be preceded by an ending of some kind (new beginnings often are) but you are in no danger of losing anything that it would be better for you to keep. It is time to start thinking of yourself differently and to believe in your own power to create positive change.
I needed to read that. Even if it's bollocks, it's bollocks that lifted my spirits. I'm hanging by a thread here. As there are no problems, in fact things are all falling into place beautifully, I would like to just come on here and boast about that as if I felt fine, but it wouldn't be true. It's weepy, shaky-McFlaky times, jumping at the slightest noise, but keeping on, keeping on.
The packers will be here at eight tomorrow morning. Early night.
I meant to write some kind of reflection on my time in this house, but I can't. Maybe another day.
Laters x
Wednesday, 7 December 2011
Whew. I have removed all extraneous items from my house, barring a couple of boxes which will go to the tip tomorrow. www.freecycle.org is brilliant, if a bit hectic. I've put a 'wanted' ad up for some curtains, cos you never know, do you? Tomorrow there'll be a lot of tidying up, but I can do the whole house in a couple of hours, so that's cool.
Things I have found:
1) several hats of mine that Younger Daughter hated and presumably hid, like my red beret and my favourite fleecy hat which comes right down over my ears. It may look like shit, but if it keeps my ears warm on a windy day, I'm wearing it. I'm wearing it now, actually.
2) Four nail clippers.
3) Over twenty different moisturisers, scattered in boxes throughout the house. I hate the feeling of being trapped inside a coating of slime. Body Shop Vit E face cream vanishes without trace almost instantly, but costs what I consider a fucking fortune, so can't be applied all over. My skin is not so much dry as crispy, but I've never managed to use a moisturiser regularly - don't actually care enough - but have been tempted to buy far more than I'd noticed. They look quite embarrassing all gathered together. Ah well.
4) My schemes of work for teaching 'The Rime of the Ancient Mariner', from low ability Yr 7 up to top set Y11, including Gustave Dore's illustrations, copied onto transparencies. Though it would be available on a whiteboard, magic thingy by now, but that's not the point. I couldn't believe I'd thrown it away and that was because I hadn't. Phew. Though I have no idea why it means so much.
I started the morning resolutely chucking things away without looking at them, then thought better of it, which was just as well as I'd thrown away all my degree certificates. Like, fuck. Had to have a rest after that.
xxx
Things I have found:
1) several hats of mine that Younger Daughter hated and presumably hid, like my red beret and my favourite fleecy hat which comes right down over my ears. It may look like shit, but if it keeps my ears warm on a windy day, I'm wearing it. I'm wearing it now, actually.
2) Four nail clippers.
3) Over twenty different moisturisers, scattered in boxes throughout the house. I hate the feeling of being trapped inside a coating of slime. Body Shop Vit E face cream vanishes without trace almost instantly, but costs what I consider a fucking fortune, so can't be applied all over. My skin is not so much dry as crispy, but I've never managed to use a moisturiser regularly - don't actually care enough - but have been tempted to buy far more than I'd noticed. They look quite embarrassing all gathered together. Ah well.
4) My schemes of work for teaching 'The Rime of the Ancient Mariner', from low ability Yr 7 up to top set Y11, including Gustave Dore's illustrations, copied onto transparencies. Though it would be available on a whiteboard, magic thingy by now, but that's not the point. I couldn't believe I'd thrown it away and that was because I hadn't. Phew. Though I have no idea why it means so much.
I started the morning resolutely chucking things away without looking at them, then thought better of it, which was just as well as I'd thrown away all my degree certificates. Like, fuck. Had to have a rest after that.
xxx
Tuesday, 6 December 2011
OK. The plan is, in bed by midnight, and take TWO sleeping pills. The problem is the bed has vanished under a mountain of folders and there's nowhere on the floor left to put them. I'll probably sleep on the sofa. Will I? Sigh. Would much rather be in my bed, but have put off clearing it for the last three hours, so seems unlikely now.
I am winning. Today I discovered that none of the charities I could think of that deal in furniture can fetch mine this week, so I put it on freecycle. Fucking hell. My inbox filled up within minutes. Soon realised that people thought I was giving away an Ikea sofa, rather than just the covers, so had to change that, which slowed it down a bit, then hotmail went stupid and I just left it and got on with shifting boxes. People are booked to come for each item tomorrow afternoon/evening.
Five boxes of books, three bags of clothing, one box of games and picture frames to Amnesty International and British Heart Foundation. Cool.
One cheap, crappy wardrobe, in pieces, in the boot of my car, ready for tipping tomorrow.
Two days before the packers come and all I have to do is go through all the folders of papers in my room and take loads of it to the tip, then have a tidy round. Oh, and empty the corner bookcase ready for collection at 5. Very do-able.
In amongst the moving, two good things happened. I had my pre-booked phone call with the writing mentor - who will be WM, because yes, we are going to work together! Probably on my 'Mice and Men' based novel. It's exciting to have made a commitment to it. I liked how our first contact went. It felt open and easy; she wasn't trying to hustle me into a decision about using her services, nor giving me the hard sell.
Bloody hell. Writing that last phrase made me remember there was an email about freecycle rules and etiquette which I hadn't read when I signed up because I was in such a hurry. I went back to check it out and spotted 'Be safe - don't arrange for someone you don't know to come to your house at night when you are alone.' Which is exactly what I've done. Men. People with vans tend to be working during the day, and neither an Ikea Billy corner bookcase, nor a big chest of drawers will fit in your average car. Now I feel anxious about it.
I shall ask K to come and be with me. Bloke has a full day of work, and K and I are developing our friendship very nicely now we've got started. He came up today, after I'd stopped 'work' - that was the other good thing that happened. He was after a bit of herb for some self-medication and we got straight into a big conversation about gender politics, being recoverers (I met him at a kind of group therapy), and writing. He writes too, and has completed a novel. We were both amazed to discover this about each other. It was so exciting - he has an interestingly different perspective, but is concerned with the same things and has been all his life. Lived with radical feminists during the late 70s/ early 80s, experienced the arrival of AIDS at very close quarters, and more. We have plans to do things together. Fab.
Anyway, all good, five minutes till my designated bedtime so off I go.
Grateful for: Everything, for being a person blessed with good fortune at crucial moments.
Sleep well, dear peeps xxx
I am winning. Today I discovered that none of the charities I could think of that deal in furniture can fetch mine this week, so I put it on freecycle. Fucking hell. My inbox filled up within minutes. Soon realised that people thought I was giving away an Ikea sofa, rather than just the covers, so had to change that, which slowed it down a bit, then hotmail went stupid and I just left it and got on with shifting boxes. People are booked to come for each item tomorrow afternoon/evening.
Five boxes of books, three bags of clothing, one box of games and picture frames to Amnesty International and British Heart Foundation. Cool.
One cheap, crappy wardrobe, in pieces, in the boot of my car, ready for tipping tomorrow.
Two days before the packers come and all I have to do is go through all the folders of papers in my room and take loads of it to the tip, then have a tidy round. Oh, and empty the corner bookcase ready for collection at 5. Very do-able.
In amongst the moving, two good things happened. I had my pre-booked phone call with the writing mentor - who will be WM, because yes, we are going to work together! Probably on my 'Mice and Men' based novel. It's exciting to have made a commitment to it. I liked how our first contact went. It felt open and easy; she wasn't trying to hustle me into a decision about using her services, nor giving me the hard sell.
Bloody hell. Writing that last phrase made me remember there was an email about freecycle rules and etiquette which I hadn't read when I signed up because I was in such a hurry. I went back to check it out and spotted 'Be safe - don't arrange for someone you don't know to come to your house at night when you are alone.' Which is exactly what I've done. Men. People with vans tend to be working during the day, and neither an Ikea Billy corner bookcase, nor a big chest of drawers will fit in your average car. Now I feel anxious about it.
I shall ask K to come and be with me. Bloke has a full day of work, and K and I are developing our friendship very nicely now we've got started. He came up today, after I'd stopped 'work' - that was the other good thing that happened. He was after a bit of herb for some self-medication and we got straight into a big conversation about gender politics, being recoverers (I met him at a kind of group therapy), and writing. He writes too, and has completed a novel. We were both amazed to discover this about each other. It was so exciting - he has an interestingly different perspective, but is concerned with the same things and has been all his life. Lived with radical feminists during the late 70s/ early 80s, experienced the arrival of AIDS at very close quarters, and more. We have plans to do things together. Fab.
Anyway, all good, five minutes till my designated bedtime so off I go.
Grateful for: Everything, for being a person blessed with good fortune at crucial moments.
Sleep well, dear peeps xxx
Monday, 5 December 2011
Today has been up and down, up and down the bleeding stairs. I can't believe I let Younger Daughter get away with coming down so late, leaving me to empty her room. Three years of college - all her notes and preliminary sketches and god knows what else, just mountains of paper - where was it all hidden? It's like some kind of tardis, her room. Yesterday she filled the back of Bloke's car with her stuff; today I've filled the boot of mine and there's still a mountain in there to be dumped. I'm being quite together about separating things into those worth donating and those heading for the tip. Two big bin bags of YD's clothes, books, CDs, a huge stack of canvases and a few other bits and bobs.
I'm running on borrowed energy. Dunno where it's coming from - keep having shaky moments and having to sit down, but just have to plod on through a few more days. Bottom line is there's no one to help me with this - everyone's at work, apart from M and she's miles away. Yesterday I started having a small spliff during the day to help me along, and I think that's what'll see me through. I just get totally focused and fidgety, so I do a bit, have a rest but can't stay still so start again pretty quickly.
Tomorrow I need to try and get everything I'm not taking with me out of the house, even if some of it is only into the car. The tip shuts at 4.30 in winter, so I'm not saying I have to get there for then, just have it clear indoors. Then in the evening I can get a sense of what there is left to do, without all these bags of clothes and boxes of books to clamber over all the time. There's a small bedding mountain as well, which can go in the cupboard on the landing when I've heaved everything out of that.
I hate having so many thoughts dashing around my head. It's like being a teacher, without the laughs, just the permanent dread that you've forgotten something reeeally important, so everything loops round and round.
End of moan. For now.
I'm running on borrowed energy. Dunno where it's coming from - keep having shaky moments and having to sit down, but just have to plod on through a few more days. Bottom line is there's no one to help me with this - everyone's at work, apart from M and she's miles away. Yesterday I started having a small spliff during the day to help me along, and I think that's what'll see me through. I just get totally focused and fidgety, so I do a bit, have a rest but can't stay still so start again pretty quickly.
Tomorrow I need to try and get everything I'm not taking with me out of the house, even if some of it is only into the car. The tip shuts at 4.30 in winter, so I'm not saying I have to get there for then, just have it clear indoors. Then in the evening I can get a sense of what there is left to do, without all these bags of clothes and boxes of books to clamber over all the time. There's a small bedding mountain as well, which can go in the cupboard on the landing when I've heaved everything out of that.
I hate having so many thoughts dashing around my head. It's like being a teacher, without the laughs, just the permanent dread that you've forgotten something reeeally important, so everything loops round and round.
End of moan. For now.
Sunday, 4 December 2011
Shedless
OK, into the final stretch. Impatient, unsettled, excited, anxious.
Tough weekend. Shed dismantled and delivered to the allotment, garden rubbish gathered and taken to tip, everything else outside more or less ordered ready for removal.
Younger Daughter and BF came and did her final clear out, traumatic in various ways - we've had some fucking hard times here in this house, me and YD, and this was the detritus of hers. Plus the fact that my last child has taken all their stuff out of my home, so this is MY place now, not the family home. Though Son, who came to help today, has left a little pile of stuff for when he visits. He packed up the books I'm not keeping as I picked them off the shelves. In the end I couldn't do a proper cull - just bunged out all the popular fiction, which is easily replaceable for pennies from charity shops, and a big box of teenage fiction for J to have in her classroom.
YD has swept through the house like a sluggish tornado, leaving havoc in her wake. I was meant to take her and all her stuff back to London, but was deemed likely to be a danger to myself and/or others, so Bloke did it - hurrah for Bloke. He is her stepfather, so he needs to do things for her sometimes.
It's been hard to keep myself steady through this weekend. I haven't found a way of sustaining the soothing things, like mantra chanting, that I use when I'm alone. And just being with people all day and evening is hard. I know, I know, I was lonely last time. No pleasing some people, etc.
Bed now. xx
Tough weekend. Shed dismantled and delivered to the allotment, garden rubbish gathered and taken to tip, everything else outside more or less ordered ready for removal.
Younger Daughter and BF came and did her final clear out, traumatic in various ways - we've had some fucking hard times here in this house, me and YD, and this was the detritus of hers. Plus the fact that my last child has taken all their stuff out of my home, so this is MY place now, not the family home. Though Son, who came to help today, has left a little pile of stuff for when he visits. He packed up the books I'm not keeping as I picked them off the shelves. In the end I couldn't do a proper cull - just bunged out all the popular fiction, which is easily replaceable for pennies from charity shops, and a big box of teenage fiction for J to have in her classroom.
YD has swept through the house like a sluggish tornado, leaving havoc in her wake. I was meant to take her and all her stuff back to London, but was deemed likely to be a danger to myself and/or others, so Bloke did it - hurrah for Bloke. He is her stepfather, so he needs to do things for her sometimes.
It's been hard to keep myself steady through this weekend. I haven't found a way of sustaining the soothing things, like mantra chanting, that I use when I'm alone. And just being with people all day and evening is hard. I know, I know, I was lonely last time. No pleasing some people, etc.
Bed now. xx
Friday, 2 December 2011
Blue
Want to write about something else but don't know what so I've just turned up here at the keyboard hoping to find the thing, the thing that's more important than what's going on with boxes and stuff. (Not even going to say the word, the M word. Forbidden for this entry)
But there's nothing else. Today we (me and Bloke) emptied the shed ready for dismantling and removal tomorrow. We dug up the peonies - don't know if they'll survive as they're delicate and may sulk for a year or two, but worth a go.
Now I'm pissed. Drunk not angry. My brain just clatters round all the time and I hate it. Feel like I can't, but know I will. Lonely. I know Bloke is here a lot and does loads of things for me, but he's not here now and nor is anyone else. Ah well.
But there's nothing else. Today we (me and Bloke) emptied the shed ready for dismantling and removal tomorrow. We dug up the peonies - don't know if they'll survive as they're delicate and may sulk for a year or two, but worth a go.
Now I'm pissed. Drunk not angry. My brain just clatters round all the time and I hate it. Feel like I can't, but know I will. Lonely. I know Bloke is here a lot and does loads of things for me, but he's not here now and nor is anyone else. Ah well.
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)