Tuesday

There's been a lot going on and I feel like I've been teetering about on a high wire stretched over a burning pit, but here we all are, still going.
Between those last few brief entries I talked one of my daughters out of killing herself, mopped up a lot of blood and packed a car for a festival, all in some kind of auto-pilot trance. I knew she was in a better place than she'd been in for a while and cancelling the festival would have increased the pressure, so off we went.
I had a vision of sitting in a field listening to music, smoking a lot of weed, eating food from the stalls, sleeping in my tent in the fresh air. It would be relaxing, energising, lovely.


 Except it pissed down with rain. Nothing like what others were suffering, I now discover, but enough to wipe out any option of being relaxed and energised by the experience, especially when you factor in the impact of four small boys and one grumpy teenager, also male. We took two 12 year old boys , plus T (16), and gained J (10) and E (8) from morning till night almost everyday.

Man, that was not festival-going as it was intended. I never took my kids to festivals when they were young because I'm too lazy and I thought it would be too much like hard work and I was right. They are all good kids, but Jesus fucking Christ, they're always there, wrestling or chasing or throwing things, constantly moving, making me want to make them sit down and shut the fuck up, just for half an hour, but you can't do that, they're only kids having fun, it's not their fault that I'm so bloody knackered and now I'm even more so. I've been back two days and haven't unpacked the car.

Laters

too tired to mention

Well, they're all agreed that I should put my own needs first (Dr, family, friends etc) but for the life of me I can't remember what my own needs are. I can't see beyond wanting all my kids to be independently functional - I don't know how to put the girls' lack of independence to the back of my mind while I get on and live my own life and I wouldn't want to leave them to sink or swim anyway, my darlings. But I'm not doing well and it's starting to show. Quite a lot.
The boy's OK. Chomping at the bit to be back at college, impatient to be back in a home of his own, so quite annoying. And loud - such a loud voice, waking me up this morning and launching straight into a rant about Tony Blair, before I'd had a fag or a coffee or even put my glasses on and expecting, demanding even, a considered response based on documented words and/or actions. Tough luck, buster. All I have to say about Tony Blair is that he's a lying cunt who sold the working people of this country down the river and don't even think of getting me started on the wars, all those people dead, never coming back, DEAD, and for what?
So it's a bit like that, but he's fine, my boy, and I'm really liking having him here, spending time with him.
Daughter 2's been having a good few days, which is a blessed relief. We had a bit of a wobble about the imminent S_____ Festival, which we're going to this weekend, as she doesn't want M to go, but I'm not getting into it with her about that again and now she's discovered that a girl from her college is going so she's happy. I have to say that M can be difficult, but then again, we're not easy and D2 can do whatever she likes. At 28, she's not just my daughter, she's entitled to have her own relationship, good or bad, with my friends who are right in our lives like M is. I would expect D2 not to start anything, but if M does (and she's quite capable of doing so) then, I told her, do what you like. Just don't ask me to participate. And do the washing up.

Where do my needs fit in? I'd like to have the house to myself again, but not at the price of chucking them both out, with all the ensuing repercussions - I don't want it that badly, nowhere near. I could chuck boyo out - he'd be OK with it, but he's going on Thursday anyway, so there's no point.
Ah well. I may stay in bed all day tomorrow.

Starting Again

Trying out a new blog, having locked my six-year-old one elsewhere. I never thought anyone would read it, so I wittered on about life, mental breakdowns, drug-taking, politics and unfortunately, my kids. Using proper names and locations and being far too full and frank. I didn't like having it locked as it closed the door on the possibility of new readers, new firends. I don't come here looking for friends, but I have made lasting relationships through my previous blog, leading to all kinds of real life adventures, including a trip to America, and it feels wrong to exclude the possibility of meeting anyone ever again.

So. I am now going to be discreet - let's see how that pans out.