Sweet on the sofa

Home alone. Grin.

Bloody Younger Daughter is in lurve, which is great and all, but she spent the short time she was here either talking about him or to him on the phone, then fucked back off to London because she missed him.

Grandson and I lit a fire and burned things in the garden - logs, leaves, fennel seed-heads and marshmallows:



Bloke (aka Grandad) came round and we all went on the pier:



and under the pier:



and on the beach:



then I told Grandad I couldn't do any more so he took Grandson back to his for the night. I had a shower, ordered curried goat, peas and rice to be delivered and settled down with a big fat spliff, back on my lovely sofa, in a bit of peace and quiet. Phew.

Now it's an hour of being pleasantly irritated by Downton Abbey and off to bed for me.

Grateful for: ED being dead chirpy on the phone, whizzing up and down the ramp and the road; sleeping cat; email from cousin asking exactly the questions of me that I want to ask her: " i am curious as you are the only blood relative from my mum's side and i dont know many people who experienced the death of a mother when young. How old were you when Barbara died? do you remember her?" (me neither, 15 months and no)

Sweet dreams, dear peeps xx

* waving at person in Texas who reads loads*

I just looked up 'tired' in the thesaurus to see if there were any variations I haven't used in the last few months, but it seems I've covered all of them. Nothing new to say here then.

I did no better at sustaining any of my energy-conserving practises whilst at Elder Daughter's. Managing to shove a few words down here when they were all in bed was my token adherence to keeping things steady - no mantras, no drawing, no naps, no times out. I feel angry about this, though I'm not sure who I'm angry with. As I wrote that down I realised that it's not a 'who' it's just fate, isn't it? Or whatever you like to call it - the way things turn out. ED didn't ask to be in her situation and she certainly didn't ask me to exhaust myself on her behalf - she'd be mortified, distressed and angry herself if she knew. And I do no more than I want to, so it's not her and it's not me but I'd still like to punch someone to make it stop, but it wouldn't, nothing will.

I did good work though. She was scared of the ramp, which despite running the whole length of her plot (leaving the tightest of turning spaces at the end), is still at an angle that makes it seriously hard work to pull herself up. To get from the bottom of the ramp to the road involves several of these tight turns, including one between the corners of the house and the shed where the ground is uneven and there's no space for her to have her hands on the wheels. Uneven paving slabs then jammed up between the rails round the front steps and a cut-back, prickly load of shrubbery, then a sudden change in level between her plot and the road that she actually can't do unaided as, despite being unnoticeable to the able-bodied its just too steep not to tip the chair up. By this morning she'd got it all licked apart from that last bit, so SIL's job tomorrow is to get some concrete and smooth it out. She just needed me to be on guard, to cheer her on and to remind her that everything new is a bit scary.

I keep thinking my heart can't break any more, but it can and it does.

Friday night

Another busy day - took daughter to hospital for physio and for the blood test her MS nurse had requested to see whether or not "it's something else". Ho hum.

Had lunch in town and as usual dithered about, doing lots of little errands. Came home and cooked dinner for daughter's family and the neighbours, helped by these three lovely kids who have moved in along the road recently, dumped on their gran. They are 9, 10 and 13 and are turning into daughter's mates, coming in whether grandson is there or not. Really they did most of the cooking, under my instructions - beef stew and dumplings with a trifle-type pud to follow.

The neighbours are a very helpful couple - quite pleasant and jolly till he starts taking the piss out of her and she goes into this poor little me routine, which stops being amusing after a very short time, but sadly once started goes on and on till they eventually fuck off. People are weird. I just wanted to go to bed.

Home tomorrow with grandson and younger daughter arriving too. I predict a crash, but don't see how it can be avoided. It's half term and grandson needs some fun and distraction. He's a very wee soul at the moment, bless him.

The slippers turned up - she'd put them in the washing machine, but still no sign of the Uggs. Weird.

Are you ready, boots?

It's been a long, long day. I kept waking up during the night feeling really cold, but not quite enough to get me out of bed waking other people up to find me more blankets. The temp suddenly dropped down to almost freezing and these mobile homes don't keep the heat in at all. Tonight I have a big pile of stuff ready to put on me bed - I'll probably boil myself to death.

The other major irritation is missing footwear. Daughter's feet are permanently cold, which is why I bought her some Uggs last winter. No sign of them anywhere, and in a home 45 by 15 feet, I think we can say we have fully searched the place. Then this evening her slippers, which she was wearing yesterday, have also vanished. WTF? We've turned the place over again and there's no fucking sign of them. Someone's pissing about - presumably grandson or one of his mates, but we can't get an admission out of anyone. This could drive me crazy if I let it, but I won't. I won't, I'm telling you, I bloody won't.

And I left my smoke at home. I'm wondering if I am addicted - though I don't really think so. I never take it abroad on holiday with me, but I am finding it hard here. It's a bit stressy here though, especially with a shoe thief on the loose. I might break into the booze cupboard.

Very agitated.

Laters x

Up at daughter's, knackered after long drive, walk in the woods and cooking two-course dinner. She's well though, back to walking a bit around the house. Very happy to have her Ma, bless her. I brought the firepot and some logs with me and lit it on the deck outside the back door. Bloody lovely. Early night now.

Grateful for: daughter's better health; the scent of wood smoke in my hair; having a grandson who, despite being a bit pre-teen hormonal, still hugs his granny with enthusiasm in front of his mates; furry slippers; apple crumble and ice cream

Sweet dreams xx

You make me wanna shout

I went in quite a few letting agents today, in search of my dream home. None of them would put me on the books - they don't have books - it's a landlord's market - far more tenants seeking flats than landlords seeking tenants, so the agents aren't prepared to do anything. Fuckers.

What makes it harder is that none of them answer their phones - you go straight to voicemail to leave a message that never gets a reply. Now I've been in the offices I see that they are all speaking on their phones, all the bloody time. I didn't get round many of them - there are a ridiculous number, dozens and dozens - why? But it makes me crazy that I can't speak to them on the phone, that the email alerts come too late, that the only way I'm going to find a place is by trudging round on a daily basis. Or maybe I'll try again to get some of them to keep me in mind as a tenant - I didn't even sit down in any offices today. Maybe I should take cake. Ach, I don't know. I'm going up to daughter's tomorrow, so that's my lot for this week.

Art was hard too. Honestly, that teacher. First lesson using colour and what does she give us to paint? Reflections:



My bit was this:





I don't know why I didn't do the top bit - I didn't even notice till the end of the class - I just painted what I did and left the rest. It was hard. My ability to look has grown, but I still don't have much control of what goes on the paper.

Laters xx

Out of the mystic

List form, starting chronological, but liable to drift:

1) Woken by phone call from Elder daughter's MS Nurse, arranging a meeting of everyone involved in November. ED, SIL, me, MSN, OT, and a whole load of other well-acronymed folk.
2) Doctor - who said I could really do with a month off, but meanwhile to try and take it as steady as poss.
3)Acupuncture - said much the same, but wants me to do enriching, replenishing things and to take 20 minute naps. If I let myself fall asleep in the day I tend to be out for hours and hours, so I will try this. Forgot today.
4) J came round for tea and cake and to discuss the fact that the scales have fallen from her eyes at last regarding her BF, but sadly his daughter, son-in-law and grandson are all now living in J's house. He has many good qualities. the BF, but ultimately he's a pisshead and his life revolves around getting wasted, yawn. Glad the end is in sight.
5) Text from ED, whose ramp was fitted!!!!! She can get outside! Onto the road!!! Or into a car driven by a volunteer!!
6) Did healing mantra
7) Arranged to have coffee with K after tomorrow's art class - he lives in the new eco-friendly flats above the place the class is held, so this shouldn't be an expenditure of too much energy. Looking forward to seeing him.
8) Call from Younger Daughter asking me to read the launch statement of her arts magazine's second edition (the first one having been a kind of trailer edition looking for contributors), which she needs by tomorrow lunchtime but hasn't written yet. Yeah, yeah.
9) Email from long lost cousin!!!!
10) Email from MG, just an attachment of a poem she's written (she's not prone to poetry, this is a first), expressing her existential despair quite powerfully, but with a few details (clumsy word order, telling not showing), that the English teacher in me wants to point out, but probably won't. She said she's going to call me in the morning.
11) Phone call from grandson (on bad connection), all upset because one of his back teeth is almost out but not quite and he twisted it and it hurts and he can't sleep and he can't swallow painkillers. Well, darling, it's about time you learned. A moment's unpleasantness, then the pain goes. Have a hot water bottle for the meantime. Thought: where's Mummy? and step-dad?

So I'm only just getting round to thinking, bloody hell, my never met first cousin, only living person with a blood connection via my real mother. Real mother died when I was a baby, leaving a sister and a brother, both of whom also died in their early twenties. My aunt had thought she was unable to have children so adopted, then immediately got pregnant, had the baby and died soon after. Her husband and my dad didn't keep in touch and I didn't even know what sex these cousins were, until my brother started searching for a long lost relative on his mother's side of the family. He paid some researcher forty quid and she came back with a phone number within the hour.

I emailed her as soon as I heard this - quick, before I could change my mind, and told her the story with all the names I knew. It took about ten minutes for her to find my uncle and give him my number and there we were, chatting on the phone.

Sadly, the last they'd heard of me was in 1973 when I'd recently married a foreign guy so that he could avoid conscription into his country's army (I may not have mentioned him - I often go years without a thought of him), and I could feel Uncle's initial enthusiasm waning as I summed up the key events of the past thirty odd years. You know, the marriages, the divorces, the kids - it all seemed like the right thing to do at the time (I was very stupid), but it doesn't come over well in a few sentences. I discovered that my adopted cousin was male, living in Wales with a family and that my 'blood' cousin was a female who had just bought a boat "in another of her hare-brained schemes" (liking the sound of her).

I had a bit of an email flurry with Male Cousin, but it fizzled out as I was sliding into Breakdown 2 (This time it's serious!). Then a couple of weeks ago, frie3nds-reunited (which I haven't used for years) emailed me and asked if I wanted to 'friend' him. Well - why not? So I did and we had another few emails, but he's a middle aged blokey bloke and I don't care and I don't need another one of those in my life. And it turns out that the blood connection matters to me. If we'd known each other all our lives I don't think it would - they'd both just be my cousins. Maybe if he was a she - I'm rubbish at advancing friendships with blokes.

Then today an email from her, female cousin. Female cousin whose mother also died when she was a baby.

I stopped writing then, and replied to her. Ooh, how exciting! I look at my kids and their cousins and see how Dad flickers through their faces, and Ma through the ones that are hers, and the pics Son brought back from his visit to Venezuela and all that side of his family. I want to see her face - I've always wanted that. I used to make up fantasies about people that looked a little like me - that we'd become friends then discover we were cousins...

So that was today. Not what I'd call restful, though I have spent a lot of it on the sofa.

Laters xx