I have managed myself very badly today. Too much anxiety, spinning out of control (only briefly, but it's not nice), then barely under control for the rest of the day. I couldn't get myself steady enough to go to the art class without provoking queries as to whether I was OK, and I knew that would make me cry even more so I didn't go, but then I missed having the 'losing myself' experience, and that's not great either.

What had driven me right over the edge was phoning the agent who said all my references came out good so the flat is as good as mine and I'm going round there on Friday to measure up. This is obviously brilliant news but my brain just short-circuited on receiving it. I did manage to conclude the conversation without mishap (I think - yikes, maybe I didn't!), but then all the thoughts I had arrived simultaneously and I couldn't fight my way through them.

I've drifted through the rest of the day, not putting up much resistance to anything - going out for brunch with Bloke, who wittered on about egrets and glebes (he's a born-again bird-watcher), not understanding that my brain was FULL as I couldn't articulate that, even to myself at the time.

I was meant to be going over to see Marcus after art class, but when I tried to cancel him he wouldn't have it, said it would do me good and that he'd cook dinner, so I did a set of



to calm myself, then drove twenty miles across the grey autumn afternoon, through bare blackened trees in the misty countryside, to darling M, who was in fact just what I needed. I haven't been to his place since he passed his driving test last year, which is just lazy of me. He's trying to move back to the city, to the area I'll be in, which would be fab - we could be old dears together.

Anyway, the upshot of all this is that I shall call that helpline tomorrow. I can't face the prospect of feeling like this for the next three weeks. I know how to calm myself down, but not repeatedly, day after day, whilst achieving something complicated. Not without more help. Help in the thinking and planning. I have made a list, and got someone coming round to give me a quote on removals, so I am on my way. Tomorrow a couple of prospective tenants are coming round.

This is what Cainer (cainer.com) has to say, the bastard:

Gemini, Wednesday, 16 November 2011
'A problem shared is a problem halved.' Or so they say. Much depends on who you happen to be sharing it with. With some people, a problem shared is a problem squared - multiplied by the power of itself in order to produce something of gargantuan proportions. You have recently started to solve a problem. You have made impressive headway. Now you need to seek guidance. Be careful who you ask for this. Things need to happen quickly now, but that doesn't mean you have to put yourself under a lot of pressure

OK. No pressure, then.

Laters x